Raw and Crushed

So Something has just happened leaving me feeling rubbed raw and crushed. I'd rather not give specific details, but it involved the barn.
I just wanted to write something about this experience to just try and express the state I am in and writing always helps me sort things out. Swamiji says when you are feeling an intense emotion write about it, and so I am. Emotions: Anger, Anguish, Sadness.
Ever since going back to the barn after the accident things have been tough, getting back into that old routine, getting acquainted with everyone again horse and human and my settling in has come to a messy climax.
Let's just put it out there I hate confrontation especially on the negative aspect. So let me rephrase that I hate negative confrontation (I love friendly debates!) So this started out as rough, but after talking to my mom before hand I really tried to view it as a growing experience. As she said I want to be a film director I'm going to have to confront people. A lot. So went through my volunteering and met with the people I had to meet with, unfortunately I was not able to keep that totally optimistic atmosphere because as soon as it came time for me to talk (as usual in these situations) I started crying. I couldn't help it maybe if I had better mind control I could have stopped myself, but I don't so. Good news though I was able to keep constant eye contact, so I guess that's bonus. OK I am going to stop here. I'm sorry if this was complete and utter rubbish to you readers but I felt like it was important. This just happened so I'll write again tomorrow and soon.

Passion

There are times when I get so frustrated. It's a weird frustration more irritation I guess. I want to do something really bad make something happen and yet I can't. Mentally with myself i am more then ready its that one little thing though that holds me back. Like when I get into "movie mode" I just throw everything I have into the process I don't hold back anything. I spend every second thinking about trying to figure out how to do the more intricate scenes. My whole bedroom turns into an office with cork boards on the walls of eleborate story boards, dialog, filming locations, scheduale, and checklists. My floor is covered in prop and costume bins and I thrive in that, unfortunately anyone who wants to make a movie with me just can't handle it and falls away, by I can't help it, I dont want to help it. I love that about me and yet it's so hard to only do a movie with one of me. I hope that made sense and didn't sound like I was just rambling along. Here is a picture of how I feel.

Warmth!

Spring has finally sprung, at least momentarily in hormonal Ohio. As I said to my mother yesterday when she commented that Michigan never had such inconsistent weather like Ohio does, "Michigan is a mature adult, while Ohio is a hormonal teenager"
In any case besides wearing short sleeves and sandals again other things are happening to. First off my OGT tests are this week and with them a new skill has been learned. Sleeping in class, I don't mean this that I am sleeping off class, but the act of being able to get comfortable in a desk seat and sleep when it is light out, and you aren't sleepy? Why have I had to learn this? Well we are given two and a half hours to do the test and I tend to finish in about an hour, and one can only read a boring book so long.
Also Barn Buddies started again on Saturday. I had sort of mixed feelings about it then, but then when we had a second class with different kids on Tuesday I really enjoyed myself. Being with the horses and children in the fresh air (we went on a trail ride) was so nice. Also I realized actually more then almost anything else about them I love taking pictures of horses. Not to say I don't like riding them, round penning, grooming, or whatnot I love all of those things, but I realized I just love taking pictures of them.

"A Nice Surprise"

"A Nice Surprise" Is what author Nancy Marie Brown of one of my favorite books A Good Horse Has No Color wrote of my email to her on her blog. This was the cherry on the sundae of my wonderful day, and for once I am not being sarcastic.
It started out good, by actually waking up in time, and then not getting into a major fight with my sister as I wove her hair around her head in a eleborate crown braid for a skit she was doing in her seventh grade history class. It was the first time she has really let me do her hair (since I can remember) so, it was nice.
After a lesurily bus ride to school I sat through a normal math class, until the last five minutes when my teacher called me up to her desk to show me the test she has graded from the day before. In my memory I have never gotten an A on a math test. Lots of B's and some C's but never A's on tests. But on this test (that I will admit I hadn't studied for) I got 80 of of 79 points. OVER 100%!!! I could barely contain my excitment as I skipped to journalism telling everyone who would listen.
The rest of the day peeterd along, mostly I just tried to look small and invisible as I have come down with a pretty bad cold and sniffle a lot, and my voice sounds weird, so didn't want any teachers to call on me.
I keep journals. I am sure I have mentioned this before, but I am stating it again. I write everything in them, some days I just log in my routine, others my thoughts and feeling. Some days I doodle, and yet others I write stories, it's just a small book can write in all the time. Now choosing a journal is very important for me I have to find one that looks nice, will hold up to being thrown around, squished and squeezed into bags, being written in very often, and being able to hold up to my love of ink pens. I have been looking for about a week now, and finally found my journal today at Global Village. A fair trade shop down town, so that was happy.
And finally the nice (although for me it was amazing) surprise when I got home to find that said author wrote me back. I made a book preview of her memoir (said book) for Journalism and posted it on youtube. I was planning on asking if she wanted to see it and then sending it to her, but instead I told her about it and she searched and found it herself! Not only did she look at it, she posted a link to it and mentioned me in her blog! It was... astounding. Here is the link to her blog

http://nancymariebrown.blogspot.com/

So that is all super great, it seems things are settling down and turning up for me again. Check back in soon I lave loads more to write about (when I find time!) But I will try and keep you in the loop for now, check out her blog and the video (which is in a link on her blog)

Photo Credits: Regina Brecha (a good friend) from her trip to Iceland.

My embroidery dress

This last week has been pretty rough. I felt like there really wasn't anything to say with out just straight out complaining for a whole entry, so I haven't been writing, but I might as well just write something! School has been really hard the past week. It's not like the work got harder or anything, I just hate sitting still in the class room for seven whole hours containing myself! Then after school I have musical rehearsal, which has not lived up to my expectations. I thought I was going to get to be all creative, but it's mostly just been a lot of cleaning, but I am going to stick with it, and see what comes out.
Something I just realized I wanted to mention is my Saint Patrick's day dress, or as I officially named it last night my embroidery dress. I found this bluish green corduroy dress at Goodwill for five bucks. It looked sort of plain and shapeless, so I bought it as a fun little project for myself. When I started embroidering I first just started doing the easiest thing I know. Flowers around the collar of the dress in light yellow and pink. (They look wonderful against the green) About halfway through the second flower (which took about two hours worth of work) I realized this is a Saint Patrick's day dress what am I doing!? I should be embroidering shamrocks, and horseshoes! But when I tried I couldn't get my embroidery out, I had done it so tight. So then I decided I can continue with the flowers and do those things on the pockets of the dress. Then I realized why not just have fun with this dress and make it my embroidery dress! The cloth is perfect for embroidery! I'll just have fun with it! And that is what I am doing. I'll show pictures when I am done.

Photo credits: May have been me, could have been Kismet. I'm not really sure, but it's of a friend of a friend riding her pony.

A New Activity

I think above all the thing I love about the marching band most is the social aspect. Getting to be with lots of other kids my own age and sharing in creating this magnificent thing, the show. As this cold and rainy winter shifts into spring I decided to do the musical. I was fully aware it would be time consuming, but comparatively I didn't have that much to do, just the temple and barn. I wanted to be with kids my own age again, and sure I have school, but that is different in my mind. So after much thought, and debate with myself and acting friends I decided to help with the crew, in the costumes department.
Unfortunately I'm not exactly sure what I was looking for is here, I don't get to see all my friends who are also participating very much as they are all in different areas. So far we haven't really gotten to do anything fun, just a lot of cleaning and organizing, I thought we would get to design and pick out costumes, but that was unbelievably far from the truth, but I am going to persist, because who knows what will come out of the next two months of this.
I have also been feeling odd lately slightly out of place what ever I do. It's almost like I have divided my life into so many different little parts there isn't any whole part left, except when I am alone by myself in my room. I feel weird about that, but it's just how I feel. Not having to work, or communicate with anyone, just being. I guess that's really the truth of it for some reason I am having an exceptionally hard time working with people. More then ever before. I have this complete vision of what I want to do, yet not the ability to convey it which makes those around me irritated. It's just that whole communication thing...
We'll see what happens with it. For now check back in soon more musical updates!

photo credit: A friend of mine and a horse. I just love this picture and wanted to share it.