Happiness, Fear, and Hope AKA Falling into Place

Happiness, Fear, and Hope. From talking to people I feel like deep down these three emotions make up the day to day spectrum of the mental consciousness that the average young adult lives in. Of course that could be totally wrong and it's just me, but then... this blog is just about me, so there we have it.

As everything that is the physical makeup of my life grows more and more complicated I seem to record those happens less and and less, contrary to what the system probably should be, but I seem to make a statement of this ilk every time I write, so you are probably just waiting for the content. Life's been... complicated. As you may know, I was about to go to college, I had my chickens in a row, so to speak, things were under control, but control is, well its boring I guess. To my inner self, and so things needed a little mixing. Covering all basis I had scheduled an interview at Ohio University, the Harvard of The Hocking, the 7th best journalism school in the United States swearing I would never attend it. I couldn't be forced to go to a school in Ohio, but to quote chocolat, my second favorite film of all time "but still the clever wind was not satisfied" I don't know if it was the north wind, but something shifted. Sitting in the conference room of the Scripps School of Journalism across from the prestigious representative, and quickly forgot my self promises as I let myself be totally sold on the school. Just over a week later and I am within the depths of the very complex process of switching schools, over the holidays when both are closed. I was accepted into the second school on the day of my interview, for the first time in over a year of being within the college process I felt truly wanted to a university, and when these schools are creating a billion dollar industry, many hand picking students, able to accept or decline most any offer that is a dear feeling. Thus personal decisions made the technicalities, and let me tell you young ones, be very careful of those binding contracts, they be poison. Sparing, your sweet ears the details I shall suffice to say there have been multiple emotional breakdowns, many tears, much screaming at an innocent laptop not giving me the answers I needed, and over all exasperation. It's been a week.
   Additionally I am trying to put together the rest of my life, the way one who has lived at home over a year, well technically 19. typically does, the packing the choosing, the homes for various pets, trying to find a home for my dear equine companion Mara (seriously though, anyone want a horse?). And while I feel partly as if the walls of normality are physically hurtling down in pieces around me, I am... ok. I am a very confident that switching schools was fully the right decision, and that everything is... falling into place perfectly. Although I say that in a literal sense. Despite wanting to attend college  when people would ask are you ready? I could only answer "about 60%" my mum especially could not comprehend this saying "you realize you are going in a week right?" "yeah. 60%" and yet now I am 100% I am actually ready.

Through this ramshackle process the moment that stays in the forefront of my mind, that keeps me sane, is a conversation with my dear friend Kismet
"I can't believe how calm you are being through all of this"
"Uh... everything is insane! I'm freaking out all the time!"
"yeah, its a really ridiculous situation and you are handling it so well"

So,  maybe in my eyes It's crazy, but thankfully someone thinks I'm sane. Cheers to you all, and a happy new year!

An Explaination

Photo by Regina Brecha 

While I shan't go into the particulars that make up the complications of my college going/application process I shall suffice to say, its complicated. But long story short, I am reapplying to some schools and going through the whole app processes again. Once again I had to face the question "please provide an explanation for you expulsion from school, convicted felony, or gap year" yes. This is the category into which gap years are placed for the common application. While last round of apps I wrote a brief few sentences on what I had done, and what I was planning on doing this year I decided to use the opportunity to gets some thoughts out, decided to share the "explanation" I gave. I have a couple more essays I would love to share as well if the interest is there, so tell me what you think!

In my opinion the majority of “education” is not what goes on inside of a classroom, but rather all the little (or big!) things that go on outside of it. I love to learn, I love to read and write, and appreciate school and teachers more then most people, my father happens to be one, but I was also raised to grab an opportunity when I can, to make the most out of every situation, and to trust my instincts. 

Because of this, in my sophomore year of high school when I was informed I would be able to graduate in three years, I explored all my options. I looked at International Baccalaureate schools, dual enrollment, going straight for college, and finally settled on that which is closest to my heart: travel. My mother being the wonderful research fiend that she is, helped me find an international organization called WWOOF (the worldwide organic opportunities for farming), and specifically the Ireland branch. I would work on a horse farm, and finish up the trip with some solo travel around Europe. 

The experience had its ups and downs, things didn’t work out as planned, and certain things fell into place like clock work. All in and all it was more valuable a life lesson than I could have imagined. Coming home for the final six months I fell into a fairly “domestic” life. I got a job, lived at home with my parents, and then went on to start completing a wish list. I wanted to do all those things I had deemed as impossible, scary, or too difficult. 

So it began: I took dance lessons, I drove solo across country, I bought and learned to play a mandolin, I taught a summer camp at the place my parents had met, I began working with horses for the first time after a serious accident two years earlier. I learned to jump and competed in it, bought a horse of my own, and finished out the year by managing an entire horse barn. In the blink of a year I had completed every single dream, or wish. I had completed my bucket list, and that is no small task. I am setting out to begin life with a clean slate, no expectations, no regrets, and in my opinion a perfectly completed and well rounded eduction. In other words, the perfect gap year. 

Down There

   

There are those times in life where when someone asks you how you are, and the only response is to scowl and roll your eyes and then change the subject to something utterly depressing. At least... thats me today. I'd love to say my thoughts were filled with rainbows and unicorns and positivity, but... nope. I'm 19 and having a hate the world day, in which every student that orders a pumpkin spice latte at the café gets a death glare, and my friends receive non-caring, mono-tone, text answers opposed to my normal novel lengthen replies.
    Oh yes there are reasons, there are excuses I could make, but what it boils down to is letting those wonderful emotions and hormones take over the delicate mind, and a semi-conscious decision to let them win. On a physical note... this life I'm living:
   Still not in school, but of course finding 1001 things to fill my time. In the mornings I head over to the barn, steaming coffee in hand to feed and ride my horse. This part of the day is usually filled with much joy and dancing a singing, the latter while on the horse mostly. This is followed by various sewing a knitting projects at home while watching obscene amounts of Netflix (we're on Gilmore Girls at the moment after recently finishing Mary Queen of Scots, and then all of Scrubs, and before all that Call the Midwife) usually attempting to clean a room that I previously got dirty, and then eating a rushed lunch and getting ready in less then five minutes for work. So then I go and get increasing annoyed at the entire human race with every latte and mocha I mix and brew, I actually really like that part I think its more the repetitive action-enclosed in a tiny space with one other person-on a forced time schedule thing that gets to me, and then I come home burning with stress and anxiety to roll around and cuddle with the dog that is currently mine, and watch more Netflix, and sew more historical garments that I don't really need, but most definitely want, before a late bedtime. So there you are, school does approach quickly though, January 4! Dorm assignments, picking out classes, schedules.... all happening in November, which happens to be two days away. Thankful with writing the anger and irritation has trickled away as it tends to do and I am left with a set purpose, a desire to do some productive! Maybe after just one more episode.... 

In The Light Of A Flickering Lantern

 

   I was tired, annoyed, completely done with it all, but I hundreds of miles from home, and there wasn't any turning around now. I pull into a parking spot, rain tapping on my car roof, and out of the darkness come bobbing lights, the rain stops as I pull on my boots, fumble for my belongs, untangle tired limbs from the car to greet the strangers, the future friends who have waited through this long night to greet me. With warm words and smiles, candles flickering brightly from the lanterns they hold the two young men, dressed head to toe in colonial attire greet me to the camp, to the year 1776. They help me gather the few baskets containing my belongs from that gold car which has become my closest companion and we set off along a muddy path. The bog they call it, the pair tease each other laughing, and getting to know me as we walk through rain soaked ground the block house in the fort and after climbing a ladder I am wished well for the night, given a lantern, and left to the comfort that one can have on a rainy autumn evening, settled in an 18th century fort, somewhere in some mountains in the south. 

    It's near Ewing, VA and the third historical reenactment I have been to in just a couple months. One every other weekend and the joy of my life, yes some stress and irritation too, but finally a love something that clicks and makes so much sense in my life. Something that seems to be the sum of all the little pieces of things I enjoy and hold most dear. Weeks of sewing, planning, packing, driving, interspersed with the dregs and joys of normal life. While the actual events are few on the grand scheme they have become such a focus and will to strive for life. Not that I was doing poorly before, but this sense of community, of a people of my own soul and mind is something special to have again. 

    There is one event left of the year and then what next I don't know, but is not an end of an era, but simply an addition to a wonderfully full life. A wonderful enrichment to everything, and I stand in insurmountable gratitude to those forces who contrive it all, for 1000 and 1 ways this discovery of my people has changed the course of my life. 

Left Behind

 

I suppose when you actually think about it, I was the one who left, who drove away from the Glen with its trees, the old wonderful mildew-y buildings, the stone bridges and gravel lane leading to the quiet haven, the friends. I was the one who left that place, yes to come home, but I shouldn't complain about people leaving me.
    Yet in my heart I am complaining, I am sighing, I wishing my friends would come back and get me and whisk me away to some other place. Its not that I am unhappy, overall I am quite content. Settled fully now at home, three solid meals a day, a washing machine, a room to call my own filled with wonderful worldly possessions, a a comfortable bed seven nights a week. I feed and care for the horses at Wishing Well Stables in the morning, followed by working with, more like playing with my sweet horse, Mara, who I might add has grown into quite a wonder with a very colorful personality. In the afternoons I work on various sewing projects, with occasional short trips around town, and helping to show the latest member of our family, an exchange from Chile, around.
     Despite all this as I stated above, there continues to be a small piece gone missing, that aspect of friendship and fun that was typical among our group at the glen, among a large group of friends, or a school community. I heard someone say that the biggest thing [Their son] remembers from taking a gap year is being lonely, and now I can see why that is. Despite all the wonderful amazing things that have happened to me, sitting in bed now receiving texts from my friends unpacking belongs into dorm rooms at college, packing backpacks for a final year in high school, cleaning the The Roost for a whole new group of currently naive adolescents about to embark on one of the greatest adventures of their lives (little do they know). Would I go back and not take a year off? NO! I am strong that this is the lifestyle I want and will lead, being that one that moves on and away, not waiting, carrying on, but sometimes there are those moments, those glimmers. The what if's and the but's the urge to settle into so called normal and just be 19, go out with friends, go to college, work an average job. I'm sure that time will come, I will do these things. I have one more year... as I have so many times said. For now though it is a time to relax, to remind myself that MY world is at my command and I can shape it as I will, loneliness is such an easy trap to fall into. I can be lonely if I choose, but... I am never alone. 

Fall Leaves Falling

One of my Raptor neighbors at The Roost  

     Almost a week ago today I awoke on the couch of The Roost, my summer home. From my curled upon position under a nest of scavenged blankets I could see the large window spanning the living room, and outside of it the usual scene, green trees and brown trunks, the tops of wooden raptor cages, but that morning a week from tomorrow there was something new. Golden leaves falling gently through the air, and the summer rains had so many times, but this time that treasure of fall was falling... one by one ever so gently and delicately golden leaves falling amidst the greenery of late summer.
    Of course by now you know me, it was so representational, so significant. This magnificent summer ended one day past and waking up, after my very last night in The Roost, and seeing the season of autumn upon us, marked the ending of that time. While the summer was both hard and perfect, and crazy and amazing, by Saturday I didn't feel sadness packing up all my belongs into the trunk of my car, promising to stay in contact with my friends, perfecting a last practical joke or two on future residents, and a hidden welcome letter to one. It was such an amazing and great ending, so fulfilling. Then came the real goodbyes, wonderful sincere hugs and well wishes, but it wasn't until my boss, the head of command all summer started to cry that she would miss us, that I fell apart. To quote Black Beauty
    "What a wonderful place!" I mean... what other job can you have where tears are the only adequate parting among a boss and yourself. I shall surely miss it, that is certain, and yet as I say this it is not a matter which so quickly ends, but something that fades into something. I have already been back to visit twice, not able to stay away, no it is no longer my home, but I left a piece of my heart there which I will need to visit often.
   Now I am home again, an old home, a new home. A familiar bed and house, but a different sense of the world as it is, a knowledge that I am not the same person. I now have six free months of life, free... in a matter of speaking, no jobs, no major obligations. A new family member arrives tomorrow, an exchange student, time spent feeding at my old barn, a wonderful horse down the road when I want her. I have one more year to be a teenager, one more year to be 19, and one whole year of crazy possibilities. 

Great Experience

Week seven! The last and final week of Ecocamp. In the scheme of life it's not that long, but like all great things so much has happened that it feels like forever, and of course forever has passed in the blink of an eye. 

   The last entry I wrote in reference to Eco camp I was on nocturnal camp, but this last week I've been back to a "normal camp schedule." 30 girls, a large cabin, regular meals, long hikes, the whole wonderful, exhausting, exhilarating deal. Of course I've been ridiculously reflective the entire week "this is the last time I'll..." 

   I won't deny it's been a hard summer, and a complete learning curve, take long hours and then extend them and that would be my day, a constant stream of children and no matter how cute or sweet they are there's just a certain point when you feel you can no longer handle a small hand slipped into your own, or tears.... Oh the tears! Yet I have learned so much, gained so much exercising and knowledge from just the everyday life of working in this tight knit community of naturalists, councilors, and children amongst the deep and solemn trees. 

    There was a training session at the beginning of summer one week skimming problems we may encounter, rules and procedures, first aid... That in no way prepares you for the blunt of responsibility demanded from you when you are faced with all those lively and trusting young faces. That mixture of making them safe, happy, keeping them healthy throughout the week. Nothing prepares you and teaches you except the experience of answering their questions, solving their problems petty or serious. 

   It is such an amazing experience and in-between the sleepless nights and problems deemed silly, but solved anyway, there is that joy  of knowing you have created memories for a child, maybe helped them learn something new, there is just such a deep rooted feeling of satisfaction and I know whether or not I return next summer, I know I will value these three weeks deeply for the rest of my life. 

The forest life

It's finally morning, nearly seven am, and hiking home after a night of nocturnal adventures with the latest group of teenagers experiencing this specialized camp. A rich golden glow floods the forest, sending sun rays between the small gaps in the trees somehow managing to light this entire arbor-ous world. The gentle magic of the earlier morn gone leaving that Ernest promise of a new day, although mine will be shrouded in sleep. 

    I apologize for not writing sooner, for not recording every detail of a summer so worthy of being recorded, and yet... While I tried the experience was to intimate, to deeply rooted in the dregs of my heart to share with world until today. It's Thursday not quite the end of the week, but the end of all night hike, that turn where get the kids completely nocturnal.

    I talk about these events matter of fact now, but months ago when this craziness began it was like stepping into a book, an old story. I began to work at Glen Helen Outdoor Education Center, a summer camp for children and teens, the very camp my parents worked decades ago summer after summer, year after year until their eventual marriage. Not sure the exact time line, but I've felt like these woods, this place is such an integral part of who I am as a person and to now work here just a few years younger then my parents when they did. Now the summer is nearly concluded only a week to go, a summer of constant waves of children coming a going, of loud meals I the dining hall, sleep interrupted nice, peace under the trees, sunsets filtering through the forests, late night bonfires, celebrations and outings with coworkers become friends on the weekends. It is defiantly a summer I will never forget whether I come back or not again. 

   Being here has put the rest of my life on hold, a lack of working internet, seclusion from old friends, family, normal activities, an entire life caught up in the present. I moved my horse, Mara here for the summer and spend an hour or two with her each day for my personal sanity. Besides that though life is contained within the friendly hade of forest-camp life, a camp that while exhausting, stressful, a life that takes you and chews you up, still manages to leave you so satisfied with each day, knowing you are doing something right.  

Peace

Sitting on the back of my favorite horse as he tares mouthfuls of grass from it's roots. Bare skin against soft hair my yellow skirt covering the tops of my legs from the spring evening chill. The sun has set, but the air is still light and it's that time of day when you know nature is putting itself to bed. The birds chirping and singing their final songs matching a chorus with the frogs on the bank of the pond. The world is at true peace as if there is no conflict, no decisions, no problems; Only utter and total content. 

    For me it is a rare moment in a busy life a moment to catch my breath and relax muscles I forgot I had tensed, it isn't as my life is bad quite on the contrary but the last few weeks there were so many decisions to make, so many choice that had to be dealt with, and you don't realize their  full weight to a moment like this when you remember true peace. 

   As of this week I have paid a college down payment. A decision I made with much anxiety. I received packing lists and room assignment for my summer job as a camp councillor seeming to seal the choice to leave wishing well for the summer and grab a final experience for what marks the official end of my gap year. While it seems now the "good" part of my life is coming to an end the childhood, the play, the peace... In truth I think of a daily basis how I am at such a climax the top of a mountain I have been helped up by teachers parents and friends, but that was only a ski lift, getting me ready for the real fun, the big part of my life the trip back down the mountain the fast paced, adrenaline filled race, the part that is broadcasted on Winter Olympics tv, the part you really wait for. That is what awaits me and now I'm just waiting... A soul, a life, one unique story of the world about the begin my momentous decent the one where I can loose, or win. And I plan to win... I plan to win the sport of life, because like everything else that isn't a choice made for me, but a choice I can take into my own hands. The choice of my life to mold how I choose and please... What I will decide to do with that mold I cannot say, I cannot yet tell you the sculpture that will emerge, because for now I simply sit at the top of that mountain, preparing for the rush of wind and life, for now I sit upon my favorite horse tearing up mouthfuls of spring grass, singing the song of May to myself 

    "Sweet the evening air of May, soft my cheek caressing..." Knowing life is exactly as it should be. 

A Little Luck and Chaos

 

   I was one of those little girls who asked for a pony every christmas and birthday, until the hard reality set in that it was never going to happen, after which I only asked for one as I joke. I was the girl as a child who would get overly bonded to one horse in lessons so as to convince myself it was really mine, who would drag feet leaving the barn after a weekly lesson, and buy anything with a horse on. One of those children to whom it wasn't a period of childhood, but a deep rooted love to obsession that has yet to leave me, and I hope never shall. But you reading this know all that, you know my ups and downs in the horse world, my finding of new barns, work, and accident, my recovery, and the finding of Wishing Well where I am now.
     So with great excitement  tell announce here the latest update in my life's story this past tuesday with the help and support of many people I officially purchased my first horse. A project, I don't plan to keep her, and while this may seem crazy to some she really is the perfect first horse. About 14 years old, a quarter horse mare she's a light chestnut, or red dun. I found her on a small farm in Greenville, Ohio and after a long time she is finally home. Despite her age she really knows almost nothing, so she truly is a project, but a good one and each time I work with her she makes wonderful progress the goal will be to sell her by the end of summer, if not before. She comes to me in a time of my life when I feel almost pushed to the ground by the sheer weight of my life, yet I am able to stand tall, because when dreams come true it seems the world is your for the taking, no matter how crazy they are. They second time I rode her my trainer said to me
     "She is chaos, you are riding chaos, so on her you need to be the calm reason" and even though that is hard its a beautiful way to look at life, to take responsibility of what goes around you and be the calm admits all that chaos, and a good way to practice is on my little piece of luck, Felica Mara. 

A captive rope

   

Photo taken by Regina Brecha

 Pulling on a pair of mud caked boots, lacing the strings, then pulling a half chap over it, fighting the zipper to close over a taught calf muscle, and break through the dried mud on the plastic teeth. Swinging a quilted green jacket from a chair and deftly sliding my arms through the sleeves the act letting a strong smell of horse through the air bringing a smile, that comforting familiar sent. Stuffing pockets with snacks, phone, keys,  gloves and everything else till bulging and then striding out the door a skip in my step.
    This isn't one specific day, but could be any spaced over the last two weeks, all towards the evening after the the long tedious hours at my cafe job, letting my body and mind ease into the simple bliss of going to the barn. A time when physical pain and the ticking clock slips by unseen, despite its surely being there. I've been preparing for a horse show, something I haven't done in my life despite years of riding, although the last five or so have been altogether informal bareback, rescue ponies, light trail rides, the like. This is very different: struggling to count strides to a jump, perfecting the posture as my horse lifts his knees to fly through the air "calves hugging the saddle, butt back, shoulders up, belly button down and in front, eyes forward, hands in contact, back slightly curved..." and then you get to the decent. My partner in crime is a beautiful grey (white) gelding named Astro, a seasoned show horse who knows far more then I, but has his lazy side. While I have spent many years riding on top of numerous horses this is a very different situation, over the course of the last few weeks we have both evolved, him from a semi retired pasture horse, and I from a casual bareback rider. We're learning about each other, and forming a bond the like i've never had with a horse. Not one of treats and attention, but one of partners, both to achieve something. Hard practice sessions interspersed with moments I can only define as friendship, a walk around the pond in the setting sun, long grooming sessions, discussions over if there is in fact an alligator hiding in the puddle by his pasture gate.
    The show is one week away, and while I am going for the experience alone, the excitement still builds. Despite this there is some strife, besides the simple exhaustion. When one prepares to turn 18 they think it is though by magic they are suddenly adult and independent, but unfortunately that is far from the case. Instead I feel a lurking guilt about not being a better sister or daughter, mixed deeply in with a desire to just focus on myself, my own interests. While writing that out I sound absurdly selfish, and I suppose I am. Its something I'll have to find a balance of, but while I logically know that I should heed my parents seemingly simple requests they seem so utterly bothersome, my mind tells me its time to strike out, be on my own, think for my own logic, and yet that is not that case and finding this and going back to it is more difficult then one can possibly imagine. That... rope that still has one neatly bound to ones family let loose, but only till the end of a leash. Of course, staying with parents and living with them is the best thing to do at still such a young age, the necessity of learning how to cope with what feels like captivity to the late teenage mind, even when given almost total free rein, that final matter that one thing in which you are jerked back and reminded you are not quite alone feels like simply too much frustration to endure. I suppose its all a matter of adjustment, and growing up, a period in one's life. And thankful for me for having some place of wishes and dreams to spend a few hours of each day in timeless bliss. More updates soon! 

A Deep Breath Beneath The Trees

 

Last week I had the very fortunate opportunity to somewhat "go back to my roots" by spending a week with the Antioch School as they did their week at Glen Helen Outdoor Education center. They don't go every year, and I didn't go as a student, so this makes it all the more special. Unlike the many other schools that go around the clock of the year, Antioch having the fortune of location, left the first morning from the school on foot, a simple hike to the camp through the valleys and over the bridges spanning a corner of the 1,000 acre preserve. Despite the constant frigid cold that morning was as beautiful as Ohio can look in winter, and there was something powerful and magnificent about the sleeping forest. After arriving, collecting the luggage hauled by parents, and settling into the dorms, we trooped back to the lodge for orientation, and sinking into a lodge armchair I felt washed over in deep relaxation. Out the window was trees as far as the eye could see, around me people quiet and loving of heart, those that wanted to care and teach children, to live in a more wild place, one with nature.
   I spent the next week with that same feeling of total and complete relaxation, that feeling you get when you slip into a hot bath, scented bubbles on the surface of the water, a feeling of complete ease, letting all your other cares go for this short time, and just being present to enjoy the current happenings. At least thats how I felt... rising with the children in the morning and caring for their petty, yet sweet needs. A missing sock, tangled hair, an extra scarf. I woke the sleepyheads coaxing and cajoling them out of bed, and into coats and boots preparing them for a day of the outdoors and hiking, their young bodies now easily accustomed to the temperatures, always below 20 degrees.  While the children were adventuring, or shall I say learning, I stayed indoors in the dorm. Curled up on the common room couch, crochet or a book in hand munching on cookies made for the trip, it was total and utter contentment and happiness. Being with the kids giving the riddles, or my own mini lessons on hair braiding, or rather, simply doing the braiding, and alone just spending time with myself so to speak.
   In addition the trip had another added element, as a teacher at the Antioch school my father was along for the trip, and while I have journeyed often with my mother, this was both different and wonderful. My parents formed the relationship that would later create me in this wonderful hidden spot on earth, and so while the week was simply a flash of children, food, forest, cold, and content, it had a deeper meaning, sort of an assurance or reminder of who I was, and what I had come from, a bit of comfort and significance as I step out seemingly in the world, but with the knowledge that those things that matter deep down are in fact always there, and sometimes one just needs to take a moment to slow down for them.  

One Wish Granted from Wishing Well

A friendly reminder to write again from a long time reader of the blog has prompted me to write again. To throw a coin into a wishing well, ones deepest wish is fulfilled says an myth. While it haven't thrown a coin into such a well, one has granted my wish, in a matter of speaking. For a little over a year I have visited Wishing Well Stables when I can taking one formal lesson and saying hello on various other occasions, but I never made it "my barn". A couple weeks ago after a riding session with a dear friend of mine, I texted the barn owner asking if I could come help out. That horse crazy streak, finally healed after the nose accident all else that occurred since, was up and roaring again. It wanted to ride, and not just ride but bask in the presence of those large magnificent animals. To help care and nurture for them. This opened a new chapter of my home existence, going to work at the cafe in the morning then the barn in the evening. Hair nearly braided for the cafe, clean and pretty, a prim smile for customers. In the evenings mud caked boots, hair pulled loose by wind and curious horses, slightly shivering with cold, wrapped in enough layers to resemble a massive baby, but a grin on my face as large as the sky, and happiness coursing through my veins. 

    It's not like I'm doing anything too special. Feeding horses, bedding stalls, leading horses in and out at the various points of the day, and when I feel up to it riding. Small ponies, larger horses, bareback and in saddle, training, and fun. But there is just something about being around horses that is so fulfilling and calming, I can't say exactly what it is... Perhaps it is simply that unlike many other large creatures these relatively massive animals have allowed us to become their companions, their friends. They rely upon us not just for food and shelter but attention and that calls to us as a human race. Touching some deep inner part, and the thrill of being upon it's back, flying through space far above the ground and yet still firmly upon it's back two bodies working together creating a dance. At the end of the day as the sun sets behind the tree, observed from the back door f the barn, or as I pull off my boots coming home late at night, climbing exhausted into bed I am deeply happy, and it's a wonderful feeling to have. 

A Simple Gesture

 

  I would be lying if I said I hadn't been struggling lately. I finally got used to being home once again, to having my wonderful bedroom, checking in with parents, living with a sibling. Then as in a movie, about half way through things started looking pretty good. All my friends home from college spending time with my "chosen loved ones" so to speak, although getting along with my family, all good things, before "plot point three" occurs. A series of unfortunate events where everything seems to go downhill. The friends went back, I got a job at a Panera, and a week of harsh cold weather swept in like Elsa had cursed Ohio as well as Arendelle.
   While working in a commercial cafe isn't exactly a dream job there is a point in one's life where they need to accept things for what they are, and thankfully working there isn't the worst either. For one thing I love talking to people, and now thats something I get to do nearly all day everyday. For a second there are those little moments, those little gestures that happen. The ones that bring a smile to your face, and give you the moment to carry out the rest of the day with a skip in your step. For example, at work the other day while helping some older customers I found out that they were deaf. I finished gathering their used plates and then one of the men turned to me and thanked in sign language. This simple gesture made me smile not only from my lips but all the way down to the depths of my heart, an act that made me nearly excited to go to work the following day. I've said it once, and I'll surely say it again, but its really all these little things, a smile, a gesture, a thank you. Those are the things that keep this planet spinning and should be revered. Maybe in a perfect world we would all be perfect being and not need the outside world, but at least I do, and I'm sure some of you do as well. Its a sweet thing to remember from time to time. Just a simple gesture. 

A Moment of Reverence

Perhaps it doesn't matter to those of you reading this monologue of my crazy, drawn out, wonderful life, but to me it does. To take a moment to thank, think, and stand in reverence of the great journey I set out on and came back from, alive and well. Even better then well, one cannot drop their perceptions and set out halfway around the world, and come back expecting to be the same person and while I came back to the same house, family, people, and world... I feel do feel different.
   Of course there are wonderful new changes to my life, people I met traveling who I continue to talk to, sharing memories, pictures, and new tales of my life moving forward. Experiences to build upon and new mentalities to reinforce. I have been back nearly a month now, just a day shy of four weeks, and the trip is fading into what seems like a dream. Now home, the christmas celebrations over, the family and friends all gone home back to their normal lives it is time for me to figure out what I want mine to be. My previous plans for the second half of the year are not going... to plan, but I am sure everything will work out as it should. Patience is key, although difficult while waiting. Check back in for more soon, since I have have now gotten the wheels rolling again!