The Reinvention

Only one bag on my shoulder, the rest still stowed in the back of the little green car. One deep breath and then grasping the door handle to pull the door open. To quote my favorite book and film from memory 

"A new name, a new home, and a stable full of new horses to meet" 

Ok, so not exactly my situation, but it felt pretty close (and I never pass up the chance to slip in some Black Beauty). In my case I was excited to begin my latest adventure, but also apprehensive. I was moving into the house of some old family friends, whom I really hadn't seen since I was quite young. I would be housesitting while they were away for the majority of the summer, but new situations, no matter how exciting the adventure, are frightening. Faced with that door though I could turn around, get back in my car, and run home leaving the grand summer plans for everyone else. Or open it up and walk in to the sweet little house. Walk in I did, and go back out unpacking my things, the pile growing smaller, thank goodness, each time I move. Finally settling into my new home. 

The weeks since school and the wonderful trip that was Mount Vernon and DC, have been astonishingly full and packed. The day after I returned from the reenactment (which will forever be counted as one of the best weekends of my life) I began my job at Carillon Historical Park. Basically a dream job for me, talking to children and families, sewing, dipping candles, occasionally dressing up to teach in the school house, 1890s fashion of course. 

A week later I began my summer internship with WYSO, thats was this morning, and started out with meetings, research, and writing an entire story on a trade agreement, flush with emails back and forth with a congressman's office. Again something that I wrote to friends earlier that morning "I'm completely terrified, but will get through it somehow". Its a hard way to live sometimes, not settling for one thing, but always testing out the next job. The next idea, a constant process of discovery and reinvention. Sometimes, such as curled up in bed, my entire body sore from work and driving, exhausted beyond comprehension, I think this is the last time I will change. But thats not true, and not who I am. It's hard, but with each new experience I add such wonderful experiences, such an amazing new group of people to add to my life, that raises me to be an even better person then I could have imagined I could be before.  

Every Eight Months

Sitting in a Starbucks, one too many bags heaped around my feet as I wait to be picked up, I'm heaving out to a reenactment in DC, something I have been looking forward to four months. Sitting here, sipping on vanilla soy latte, a laptop on my knees I feel content, and its almost as if the last few weeks, months really never occurred. 

At Fort Boreman, West Virgnia

At 11 am yesterday I finished up my last exam, intro to journalism, haven't gotten grades back, but I suspect I did well. The rest of my finals were fairly simple, I got my studying done, cramming weeks of information onto little flashcards and then to my brain. Threw together final projects around midnight and got them sent in, sprinted across campus to deliver final essays. I'm not saying theres nothing to exams week... but certainty wasn't as scary as I was led to believe. 

Finals week aside I spent my last few weeks finally living the college dream I wanted. When asked why I wanted to go to college (its hard to digest for those who can't understand why I would pay $40,000 a year for school) I had two answers. The first was because I want to be a good journalist and I needed the training and connections. The second was the experience, I wanted the dorm life, to meet people, when people talk about college they don't talk about sitting through two hour lectures trying to stay awake, they talk about hanging out late at night, doing things just on the edge of crazy, because you are 20, and away from home, and you can. 

Taken by Heather Willard

While I didn't ever get into the party scene at college (thankfully so) I was blessed by finals week by having an amazing group of people. People I went and got pizza with at two am. People that didn't question, but actually suggested we build a massive blanket fort. People who when our second to last final was complete spontaneously drove to West Virginia, simply on a whim and went to a historical park with me. Seriously, what more could a girl ask for? The last few weeks of school are a mess of picnics, laying in the sun, nighttime food runs, movies, and sleepovers complete with henna and nail painting. 

This is not to say school didn't end on a good note, I just checked my grades and got As across the board (somehow!), a very sweet email from my history teacher complimenting a group project, and high scores on all my exams. I drove home from college yesterday a little teary about leaving my newfound friends, but also swelling with pride that I was able to conquer this thing called college. 

One night sitting with my three closest companions we discussed what we had been doing 8 months ago, and what we planned to do doing. It was both contemplative and full of giggles but really amazing "eight months ago I could have never imagined myself here, and I'm so happy I am" I said. Not that I didn't have an excellent existence, simply that I just didn't see myself fully as the college girl. I have now sampled that piece of life, and am very excited, after what I hope to be an excellent summer, to go back in the fall! 

College isn't Easy, but it's Possible

"College is easy. It's like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire and you're on fire and everything is on fire and you're in hell." ~Anonymous

And I couldn't agree more. Although I am probably biased as it is the week before finals weeks, and its feels like all the common sense and logic in the world has been tossed into the air like fairy dust, but instead of making one fly you just cough like the air is filled with toxic dust.

Yes I'm being a little pessimistic, deepest apologies. To be honest life is far better then I could expect it today at this time of my life, compared to those horror stories I have heard from my friends. No, I cannot remember the last time I got a full night's sleep, or could take an entire day off to just relax, but some of my lack of sleep has been due to evening spent with friends watching movies, talking, dancing in the warm spring rain...

The last few weeks have been filled with wonderful moments and memories: climbing the large magnolia tree in the courtyard to sit among the heavily perfumed blossoms, extreme photoshoots with my ballerina friend, hilarious swing dance classes then ended collapsed on the floor in giggles, all night henna parties and waking up the next morning to lovely golden red designs winding around hands, feet, and legs. There are many more, I have a scattering of friends across campus, and have reached that happy point where I cannot walk anywhere without running into a general acquaintance. Best of all I have my little group of friends who are sitting in my room waiting when I come home from class, or wake me up in the morning ready for breakfast. Join me for nightly adventures exploring campus in the moonlight or the rain. People you can collapse onto with laughter, and cry on in tears. This is a gift so very dear to me, and something I am eternally grateful for a little posse before the end of my first semester.

From a recent photoshoot, connecting dance and nature.

I am surviving the classes, slogging through the massive array of projects and test that encompass these final weeks. Had a moment of fear and doubt when I failed a placement test on the first try for a required course I needed to get into, I quite nearly fell apart that this was the end. I was simply going to fail college, but it rained that night. Sending the smell of cherry, pear, and magnolia blossoms into the air, a warm rain fell gently onto the steaming bricks of the courtyard, and I went out and danced. Sometimes its the only reasonable thing to do! My friends joined me, and holding hands we spun in circles, faces upturned toward the heavens, laughing in pure glee. A moment of madness turned to joy. I feel like this is the essence of college, there is rarely a constant, it is a time in your life in which you can walk into town barefoot without turning a glance, or dance in the rain, clothes and hair soaked with water, and no occasional onlooker thinks of the peculiarity of it. You can fail something, collect yourself and try again, as I did with that ridiculous placement test, achieving a high B just two days later.

The actual finals haven't hit me yet, who knows the state I will be in by the time those are over, but well equipped with supplies from my dear long distance friends (tea, frosting, and cheese being the essence of this), I now in the end I shall conquer this conclusion of my first college semester.    

Spring and Snow

Our last day together, a quiet walk in the snow

It's March 24, 2014 and last night it snowed. Thankfully here in the Southern part of Ohio it didn't stick, as it did at my parent's house up north, still... an irritating shock.

Either because of that, or an interesting reflection of my mood the high spirits that I had last week between sunshine and loose dresses, dear friends visiting, silly photoshoots, and celebrations of life have plummeted into utter misery. Alright, it's not that bad, but certainly I am not the ball of bouncing joy I was last week.

So an attempt to cheer my own self up, and because I haven't written in a while heres a little summery of things, and/or major thoughts in my life. I finally have friends here! A solid group of people to contact when I need a dinner companion or someone to take a walk with, and that is wonderful. I have had a few moments of severe irritation when non-local friends have been quite absent from my life when I felt I most needed them, but I guess just a way to further connect with those around me.

Classes going well, I love my dorm more then ever, and becoming very familiar with the Athen's community I live it. The OUtlet, a radio station I work for is a constant back and fourth struggle  of pride at work i've done, annoyance at "the system", and numerous other wonderful life lessons (which you know in the present moment means calling my dear mom and crying to her about the unfairness of life.)

Finally this week I sold dear Mara. My lovely little red horse that I have grown to love so much, from our first days of long walks together, to long gallops along the train tracks, through flower fields and snow covered paths. I shall miss our time, but she is going to a wonderful home, and it is the end of that part of my life for now. So lots of emotions to deal with, and been on a bit of a mental roller coaster,  but the end is near.

Less then five weeks till I pack up and go home, and while I don't have any idea (this freaks me out far more then I would like to admit) that shall be a wonderful change of pace and hopeful warmth. In addition reenacting, that strange, beautiful culture that has kept me alive the last year begins once again on the weekend following exams and I plan to embrace it fully.

Till next time

Kindness

I'm writing this at ten to two am. Let me rewrite that 1:50am. I have done much traveling in more short life and this ranks as one of the worst trips of all time. 

    That's not entirely true, actually it was awesome. I took a bus to DC, I went to museums, the national mall, and the zoo. Ate lots of delicious food, and met some really cool people who inspired me to pursue my career with gusto. 

   But the actual travel part? Never again. I took greyhound for the first time and was astounded at the utter lack of service the provided. I was left stranded, not once but twice due to a lack of my connecting bus not being there. This second time after arriving at seven I have waited and waited until finally my angel of a day left for an eight hour trip to pick me up from Pittsburgh, PA and bring me home. 

    Have I mentioned my father is literally the worlds best dad? I don't think I have enough, he seriously is. That dad of mine contains more love and compassion then one would think possible for a human being to have. Think of Ghandi, now think of my dad. There you go! 

    Anyway despite an underlaying ticking annoyance at greyhound I actual sat down to write this smiling. I don't know if this is in the line of my freaky ability to make friends, or that God or whomever is up there went to himself "hey you've had a rough day I'm going to give you a little something" probably both, one in the same, hand in hand. But waiting for the bus, any bus, that never came I made friends with three wonderful girls from NYC, in my boat traveling for almost 24 hours, a trip that takes about 9 (more or less depending) they were going to Cincinnati for a dance competition and immediately included me in their circle. Acting like mature 20 year olds we built a luggage fort, spread blankets and coats on the ground, shared food having a picnic, and watched videos. I'll probably never see them again but a handful of hours spent with three strangers, making a potentially terrible and scary night a wonderful memory. 

   It's these things that make me love travel, that make me so appreciate the world I live in. My friends always comment on how I'm so brave to travel alone, but it's more a glee in loving to collect memories. A feeling that refuses to be put aside or suppressed. When was the last time you relaxed enough to sleep next to complete strangers? Ok that sounds terrible written out, and maybe it's just my fortune that I am still able to trust, that I can from a crowd of hundreds of people find three that I can trust. The girls found a direct bus home, and my dad is coming, heartfelt goodbyes made, but instead of being angry and tired, I feel like yet another small corner of my heart has been opened by kindness, finding kindness in a frustrating world. As its turns... Fast, spinning, you collide with hundreds of people, and yes anyone of them has an entire life they are living, but all of that combined keeps you supported and standing. Whether you know it or not there are people everyday holding you up, and sometimes you meet some of those people. At least that's how I look at things and I'm smiling. 

    I suppose that's enough sleep deprived ramblings for a night, I'm going to press publish now... I hope you could read/enjoy this. Sweet dreams world! 

It's a War and I'm Standing Alone

"It's a war and I'm standing alone" I cried to my mother during one of our daily phone calls "It's like the world is my enemy and I'm fighting a loosing battle, and theres these people I thought were allies, but they aren't true friends and now they're gone!"

Yet although I cried this to her in a moment of pain and sadness, and things have been very difficult at times, yet not all is bad. Tonight as I walked home tonight from the library, 11 pm, and the sharp winter night wind cutting away at all exposed skin, I smiled for what felt like the first time in weeks.

I know I've said things were getting better, but then they got bad again. The glimmer of friendships faded away as the weekends rolled around, those people leaving an uninterested me behind, studying, reading, occupying myself, and lets be honest wallowing in self-pity. Every day this week I would call my mom complaining, bracing myself for the horrors of the weekend to come, and as others began to celebrate I cringed in fear, not wanted another set of lonely days.

Friday came, and has gone, and yet as I stated above, Friday has left me happy. Call me shallow for needing it, but I spent the night first by invitation making homemade soup and watching movies, then finishing up "Galentines day" with some wonderful heart to hearts in a dorm room, not my own. And during these two events got multiple other invitations, so walking home I smiled knowing this battle is over.

On a much larger scale then the simplicities or complications of college friendships, the work has gotten quite hard, yet life is getting fun. I am falling into my place, challenging myself taking the next steps when possible, looking toward the future, and knowing deep down. Even on bad days that I am in the right place, that after a long conversation on the phone with a dear friend, that it's OK to dry those tears, because everything is exactly as it should be. 

Leaping to The Sky

After about 45 minuets of the class, or shall I say 45 minutes of desperately trying to keep up and not be a total embarrassment to my name we got to my favorite part. As the teacher put it "So, this is the creative part of class, one by one I want you to run across the floor and leap into the air. You can do whatever you want as long as your feet leave the ground" and it was liquid art... about 30 girls running, leaping into the air, faces upheld, joy on their faces, a moment to just let loose... and live. My turn came around and I too experienced that joy that moment of flight, being airborne, just leaving worries an
d fears on the ground below and letting loose.
     It was week of two of a free ballet class I've been attending, I never thought it was something I would do, but like so many other things on campus it was there, and it was free, and hey why not?! College is a learning experience for everyone at some level or another. Something that totally puts you out of your comfort zone, but it is your choice as to how far you will go to grasp all it has to offer. With 22,000 students and hundreds of activities, clubs, and events there was more then enough to pick from and by now, friday and week two I have tried many.  For a lot of people this time is when you learn your strengths and weaknesses, what you want to spend the rest of your life doing, and what you know isn't a good idea. Additionally for many it is the first time in their life they don't have hovering parents, or strict school guidelines, and because of that many things such as eating habits, safety, good judgment etc. can become lessened, and yet given this hypothetical full and total freedom, I feel myself surging and trying to succeed to be the best person I can be. Eating healthier and more consistently, exercising (even if its through wonderfully fun classes) meeting all sorts of different people and listening to their stories, taking time for myself alone when I need to. I just feel as though who knows if the classes themselves, the concept of getting a degree is truly worth it, but thus far the experience is, I see myself growing into a successful person, not in terms of a stereotypical worth, the best grades, a grade job, but success in terms of living life to its fullest, and that is something of such a great value that this type of institution can provide, and everyone should be able to experience that. 

This Long Awaited Entry

     I was a freshman in high school when I began this, right? Or eighth grade... I can quite remember. I'm pretty sure I was 14 though. The point is... after all that the band, theater, evil math classes, accidents, horses, Ireland, Paris, reenactments, more horses... after all of that I am sitting here now writing this from a dorm room at Ohio University.
    There was definitely a glimmer of nervousness, but overall I had been long overdue to go to school, while I love them dearly I was very much done with the living at home, the constant isolation from people my age, and gosh I even was bored of NOT going to school, so here I am, and I can positively say that I am happy. I was confidently striding up morton hill (which I finally learned the name of) from the dining hall where I had a leisurely late breakfast. (If you can arrive by 10:45 you can get you're cereal and coffee in peace before that annoying early lunch 11 am crowd bursts in, by which point you've already claimed the entire booth in the corner.) anyway... I was confidently striding up Morton hill. The air was chilly, and I was wrapped in my heavy ski parka, but had that gentle promise of warm and spring, a few months to come yes, but it's on its way. Spring always brings me smiles, its my favorite season, and I cannot help but feel pure glee when I feel that promise, so I was in fantastic mood, despite my calves truly burning from the ballet class I spontaneously took last night (and no, I do not dance... but it was fun and I shall go back). I realized that I had been here a full week, and the campus already felt like home.
    It was a long week for sure, classes, clubs, meetings, new friends, embarrassment and confusion, fun and laughter. In summery a very long week, but I have come out of it strong, knowing that the horror of switching schools last minute (seriously kids, just pick one), and the last minute rush to get everything packed and ready (watch the show Gilmore girls, season 4 for a nice visual), was all worth it. Because I have a place not only to get that high esteemed education, but also a place to grow, to find lifelong friends, to try out things I wouldn't have imagined (I shall begin my fencing lessons sunday, my swing dance on wednesday, and Thursday attend another ASL meeting), maybe another place would have held me in the happy state I am experiencing, yes there is irritation and stress, without that it would be worrying, but it is that knowledge that I have once again found the lock to my key, a place that fits snuggly and tight, and so... I am happy.

Sorry for the usual number of grammatical errors. I wrote this without my glasses and am half asleep. Cheers! 

Happy New Year!

   The five us, well six if one includes the nimble brown and white dog bounding alongside us, ran down the trail partly serious about reaching our destination and partly exalting in the beautiful night. Despite being deep in the forest, trees arching over the path, the moon and stars cut beautiful glimmers of magical light through the naked branches lending us more then enough light to see. The cloaks we had formally decided to wear, red, green, and black swirled around our ankles as we came to a halt on the Cascades bridge. Overtop the velvety black water, in some places partially hidden by pristine new ice we stood. As the river glided and whispered over the rocks before cascading down the waterfall with its comforting wild sound. The forest seemed still, and quiet but we were filled with the glee of the New Year. We had arrived one minute past midnight, but that was of no concern. Taking the dead leaves which we had earlier collected and inscribed with matters of the past year to let go, and resolutions of the new to intake we tossed them over the bridge, into the shallow yet endless depths of the river below. The formal act done we took silver goblets and poured into them sparkling peach juice with a few minutes of joking as we realized we had forgotten to bring something to open the bottle, but in a state new beginnings we got the bottle open and toasted the New Year.
     The night seemed more then perfect. The air was chilled only about 11 degrees fahrenheit, yet we stood on the center of the bridge, having put the silver cups down we clasped hands, huddling in a circle of warmth and friendship, the water still rushing below, the dog wandering the forest but coming back to check in, to make sure his humans were ok, standing there we sang. Songs of friendship and love, there was no need for anything encased in the comforting dark, the friendly forest, the stars glittering above, the warrior of winter: Orion seeming to gaze down at us, protecting us, blessing us. Few times in life can something be labeled as perfection, true perfection, but the stepping in to 2015, this quiet and serene celebration with true friends in the Glen what I have previous called, and stand by the home of my heart... it was perfect. A moment of pure bliss, joy, and a reassurance that the year to come would bring more then just the smile that this beautiful night brought to my face.