Went for my appointment at National Children's Hospital Thursday with the surgeon and guess what he said? The magic words! My nose is healed! It was exactly what I was hoping him to say. Of course that afternoon as soon as I could I dressed in my six layers of jackets and sweatshirts etc. and went to the barn. I wasn't nervous at that point all I could think about about was getting to see the horses, and Star and Nathan again. Well we got there, mum signed a bunch of new release form, and then before actually going in chatted with Star, Nathan, and Jessenia for a while in the office. A couple serious things, but nothing majorly just news, ideas for the future, new website, etc. Then Jessenia suggested I go saddle up our main lesson horse Raven for a therapy lesson. I happily went off collected the tack and then went to the back corner of the barn where Raven lives. She loves people, but isn't very fond of other horses. I hung up the tack, and then stood by the stall door watching her, looking for anything to be careful about. I have only done this with one other horse before and she was a total rescue, usually I just greet the horse and walk in.
Standing there I had this conflict on the one hand I wanted to just go up put on her halter and everything like old time, but there was something holding me back. What if there was suddenly something about me horses don't like and she would hurt me to? I stood by the stall sliding door inching up to her.
First totally out of reach, then I reached out my hand she sniffed it and I inched closer. All seemed well, I was within reach of her head now, she leaned her head toward me a bit and I immediately jumped back, then felt totally embarrassed with myself. I walked around and then straight up to the stall just in arm's reach. I had a pocketful of mints and so I unwrapped one and held it out, Raven happily took the treat her ears now totally forward looking for me as she ate I opened the door and slid in the stall. Although now cautious once inside I felt better, its like getting past the wall I slipped on her halter and led her out, once there I tied her up and started grooming doing it more thoroughly then usual just to get used to the feeling again, of being around a horse, but there was nothing to get used to I realized while crouching to brush her legs, it just came back to me.
I helped lead her in the lesson where a little boy named James, who is pretty autistic rode her, and seeing the joy of the little kid as he kept yelling "fast!" and then we would trot. This group of five Jessenia, the boy, his mother, Raven and I. All as a unit Raven helping keep the boy safe as much as any of us, even stopping and not moving when she felt the girth was loose, and not moving till we got the message and tightened it. So step one, done. I have made peace with Raven, and feel safe again. I am not sure how it will go with some other horses, it's not like I decide to be scared, I just was, I guess that natural survival instinct.
The thing about the barn, well two things I realized after this whole thing. One a lot of people seem to think the only reason I go is to get volunteer hours or what not. No! I go because there is this connection, draw to these big powerful, yet so vulnerable creatures I can't explain. Which leads me into my second point, after this who knows if I will ever spontaneously loose the ability to be around horses again, probably not (they are therapy animals) but you never know! The barn is the thing in my life I feel the most connected to, blissful, and so indefinitely that's where I want to be. As much as I can. I may get to go there tomorrow, but for now, I take my leave to eat some dinner and then sleep!
Photo Credits: A Barn Volunteer with Raven. and if your wondering, yes I did the braid in her mane. See what a darling she is?
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