It's a War and I'm Standing Alone

"It's a war and I'm standing alone" I cried to my mother during one of our daily phone calls "It's like the world is my enemy and I'm fighting a loosing battle, and theres these people I thought were allies, but they aren't true friends and now they're gone!"

Yet although I cried this to her in a moment of pain and sadness, and things have been very difficult at times, yet not all is bad. Tonight as I walked home tonight from the library, 11 pm, and the sharp winter night wind cutting away at all exposed skin, I smiled for what felt like the first time in weeks.

I know I've said things were getting better, but then they got bad again. The glimmer of friendships faded away as the weekends rolled around, those people leaving an uninterested me behind, studying, reading, occupying myself, and lets be honest wallowing in self-pity. Every day this week I would call my mom complaining, bracing myself for the horrors of the weekend to come, and as others began to celebrate I cringed in fear, not wanted another set of lonely days.

Friday came, and has gone, and yet as I stated above, Friday has left me happy. Call me shallow for needing it, but I spent the night first by invitation making homemade soup and watching movies, then finishing up "Galentines day" with some wonderful heart to hearts in a dorm room, not my own. And during these two events got multiple other invitations, so walking home I smiled knowing this battle is over.

On a much larger scale then the simplicities or complications of college friendships, the work has gotten quite hard, yet life is getting fun. I am falling into my place, challenging myself taking the next steps when possible, looking toward the future, and knowing deep down. Even on bad days that I am in the right place, that after a long conversation on the phone with a dear friend, that it's OK to dry those tears, because everything is exactly as it should be.