I walk down the Grand Canal path, wrapped tightly up in multiple sweaters and jackets, leggings under jeans, wool socks inside thermal wellies. The tail of my ever present french braid rests limply on one shoulder; I do miss wearing my hair out. The sun comes out from behind the grey clouds for a minute and shines on my face, despite the cool air the morning is beautiful and wipes away the sleep from my eyes. It is a moment of contentment, not quite to the point of happy, but not the feelings of irritation I have much of the time.
In my last entry I wrote about how everything has a purpose, and while that is true and I really try and accept that as much as possible, it is still hard being completely on your own, that is without your own family, for the first time in your life and so suddenly. Due to this there are some matters that strike as hard, and also some things about being in another culture that are rough, a different way of life, different food, a new kind of people to get used to, and new language. The first few weeks here when any of my friends would ask me how I liked Ireland my immediate answer would be one more on the negative side. Thankfully I am now settled even more then my last entry and living life. I wouldn't say I am happy not those feelings of constant joy and zeal to be living, but I am content with where I am, what I am doing. I suppose you could say I'm in a bit of a neutral zone. I do have moments where I am quite frustrated, and others where my belly hurts from laughter... Ironically those moments occur just so that they almost feel like they can be thrown into that neutral zone as well.
For some reason thinking about this... these long philosophical thoughts coming mostly during the long walks along the canal, I keep thinking back to something Swamiji said, I don't remember the exact quote, but it was something along the lines of: true bliss is not being happy, but being in a space where your mood is not effected by outside emotion. You are neither sad nor happy, just being. When he said this as a frequently happy 14 year old all I could think was that I didn't want to live in bliss (the ultimate goal) if thats what it was. I wanted to be happy all the time because that was more fun.
I'm not sure where my opinions on that particular matter stand now, but it is interesting that that is almost the state I am now. Not saying at all that I am living in a state of bliss... I don't think that is the word for me at the moment. Maybe later... but now now, I think that the neutral zone fits perfecting. I suppose thats enough for now, it's past midnight and I've had a very long full day and tomorrow promises to be another one, so sleep is probably a good idea I am exhausted, I don't quite know what I even just wrote... perhaps this blog should be called Meanderings of a Sleepless Sugar-High Teenage Traveler. More later... and I might even be awake next time!
In my last entry I wrote about how everything has a purpose, and while that is true and I really try and accept that as much as possible, it is still hard being completely on your own, that is without your own family, for the first time in your life and so suddenly. Due to this there are some matters that strike as hard, and also some things about being in another culture that are rough, a different way of life, different food, a new kind of people to get used to, and new language. The first few weeks here when any of my friends would ask me how I liked Ireland my immediate answer would be one more on the negative side. Thankfully I am now settled even more then my last entry and living life. I wouldn't say I am happy not those feelings of constant joy and zeal to be living, but I am content with where I am, what I am doing. I suppose you could say I'm in a bit of a neutral zone. I do have moments where I am quite frustrated, and others where my belly hurts from laughter... Ironically those moments occur just so that they almost feel like they can be thrown into that neutral zone as well.For some reason thinking about this... these long philosophical thoughts coming mostly during the long walks along the canal, I keep thinking back to something Swamiji said, I don't remember the exact quote, but it was something along the lines of: true bliss is not being happy, but being in a space where your mood is not effected by outside emotion. You are neither sad nor happy, just being. When he said this as a frequently happy 14 year old all I could think was that I didn't want to live in bliss (the ultimate goal) if thats what it was. I wanted to be happy all the time because that was more fun.
I'm not sure where my opinions on that particular matter stand now, but it is interesting that that is almost the state I am now. Not saying at all that I am living in a state of bliss... I don't think that is the word for me at the moment. Maybe later... but now now, I think that the neutral zone fits perfecting. I suppose thats enough for now, it's past midnight and I've had a very long full day and tomorrow promises to be another one, so sleep is probably a good idea I am exhausted, I don't quite know what I even just wrote... perhaps this blog should be called Meanderings of a Sleepless Sugar-High Teenage Traveler. More later... and I might even be awake next time!
No comments:
Post a Comment